Stuff I’ve written recently

I haven’t updated this blog in forever have I? Here’s some of what I’ve been up to:

I’ve been contributing a bit to the food section at The Pool here.

I’ve also written some bits and pieces for Betty Collective: a letter to my 14 year-old-self, the eternal stress of the post-PE shower and something about loving school dinners.

I wrote something funny about haemorrhoids for The Debrief a while ago.

And here’s something about being a parent and a Muslim in today’s Islamaphobic climate.

I also did a bit more lecturing at Sheffield Hallam University.

Yesterday I helped my kid design a book cover for one of her first ever pieces of homework — creating The Big Book of Bears involved both cutting and pasting. I’ve never felt so much pressure. I don’t know what I’ll do when she’s doing her A levels. Someone pass me the beta blockers.

Things that will happen if I eat clean

  1. Every morning I’ll write down my goals in a journal made of hessian and recycled toilet paper while I rub baobab oil over my hands and sit out on the balcony eating chia seed pudding and wearing a black polo neck.
  2. I’ll skip towards my organised pantry to retrieve a batch of peanut butter energy balls I made the night before, stopping midway to collect a single lily from the many vases full of delicate flowers found in my KonMari’d apartment to stroke over my cheek.
  3. My hair will smell like the limitless dreams of small children.
  4. Punctual, efficient and systematic, my bowel movements will begin and end at the same designated time period each day.
  5. My wardrobe will be colour coded and my bed will be buoyant with a thousand pillows.
  6. I will complete a 20 minute session of Ashtanga yoga in the nearby park on my lunch break before returning to my desk to eat a bowl full of home-made cauliflower rice and a single sweet potato brownie, which will easily satisfy my craving for refined sugar.
  7. I’ll bathe in a mixture of oat milk and goji berry juice on the weekends to cleanse and clarify my pores.
  8. I’ll make notes on the plot of my first novel in the most graceful of handwriting (in my hessian notebook) as I feast on a selection of seasonal crudités dipped in baba ganoush.
  9. My farts will smell of potpourri.

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Novels and commissions

I’ve written a couple of pieces for Refinery29 that I keep meaning to link to so here they are…this one is about my wedding and this one is about Muslim women and the call for more English lessons for immigrants.

I’m doing a little more lecturing this year and I’ve been writing a fantasy novel about the afterlife. I’m a very long way off from finishing it but I’m completely invested in it now. I found it hard to give myself a license to write my own book. So it took me a while to make a start. But I’m on route now!

Short story – Munchies

I wrote a short fiction piece for Munchies! The editor sent me seven Flickr images to choose from and I had to create a story with five of the photos within five days. Really interesting premise and such fun to write! My story was about death, dads and canapes. Read it here.

There’s also this really weird one on there written by Brian McMullen that combines cake, toothpaste and feet. Sounds gross but it’s a great story! Read it if you can.

Handbag Anatomy

I’m pretty houseproud. I like a clean space, an un-littered kitchen worktop, a clothes-free bedroom floor. But my handbag is gross. I don’t know why I’m so terribly bad at organising the stuff inside. And since I’ve become a mother I keep finding odd things in there like tiny pairs of socks, used bibs and those plastic syringe things you get with bottles of Calpol.

Today my handbag contains reams of tissue (kid has a cold), pens, notepads, earrings, a memory stick (don’t know what’s on it), a lolly, hair clips, tampons and crumbs. I also have a million expired cards in my purse. Plus kindling; dozens of receipts.

I remember  finding the remote control for the TV in my bag once. God knows why it was there. I still couldn’t tell you.

I need to clean my bag.