Things that will happen if I eat clean

    1. Every morning I’ll write down my goals in a journal made of hessian and recycled toilet paper while I rub baobab oil over my hands and sit out on the balcony eating chia seed pudding and wearing a black polo neck.
    2. I’ll skip towards my organised pantry to retrieve a batch of peanut butter energy balls I made the night before, stopping midway to collect a single lily from the many vases full of delicate flowers found in my KonMari’d apartment to stroke over my cheek.
    3. My hair will smell like the limitless dreams of small children.
    4. Punctual, efficient and systematic, my bowel movements will begin and end at the same designated time period each day.
    5. My wardrobe will be colour coded and my bed will be buoyant with a thousand pillows.
    6. I will complete a 20 minute session of Ashtanga yoga in the nearby park on my lunch break before returning to my desk to eat a bowl full of home-made cauliflower rice and a single sweet potato brownie, which will easily satisfy my craving for refined sugar.
    7. I’ll bathe in a mixture of oat milk and goji berry juice on the weekends to cleanse and clarify my pores.
    8. I’ll make notes on the plot of my first novel in the most graceful of handwriting (in my hessian notebook) as I feast on a selection of seasonal crudités dipped in baba ganoush.
    9. My farts will smell of potpourri.

  1. At work I’ll snack on flapjack sweetened with agave syrup and pureed medjool dates before heading home on a bicycle that has a basket on the front filled with poppy-seed baguettes and sunflowers.
  2. My phone will be turned off at meal times so I can savour my chickpea and carrot stew and converse with my husband and child about the house chore chart.
  3. I will make eco-friendly cleaning products with vinegar and baking powder.
  4. I’ll drop my spaghetti squash on the floor at the greengrocer and a handsome stranger will pick it up, hand it back to me and ask me out for a coffee that will turn into marriage. Our wedding cake will be made of spelt flour and we will have 2 sets of twin girls and boys.
  5. I will be scouted by a modelling agency at the farmer’s market as I search for heirloom tomatoes and sourdough bread to make panzanella with.
  6. I will spray coconut oil over julienned sweet potatoes with an atomiser to make healthy baked fries.

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